The Born-Again Win
In the years that followed, church was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, I developed a far more agnostic view of God and religion. I wouldn’t say I denied his existence, but I wasn’t convinced that church was the answer. The rumors surrounding the pastor at the United Church of Christ had certainly colored my thinking. I had gone from donning a robe and reading scripture on Sunday, to having absolutely nothing to do with religion. I didn’t know what I believed, but I didn’t believe in that.
In 1977, Ian Dury and the Blockheads, a punk band from the UK, released a song called “Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll”. The phrase became a mainstay of popular culture, and it seemed like the perfect anthem for the 80s. We were graduating from high school, and while some of my classmates stayed close to home, many of us ventured off to college. College for me was a disaster. I had been a great student in high school, but the party life on campus did me in. After 2 years of higher education, I was on academic probation and basically one term away from being expelled. I needed a new plan. So, I decided to drop out of college (before they kicked me out), and I enrolled in broadcasting school. Originally the idea was to get a job in TV as a cameraman or production assistant, but before I knew it, I was a disc jockey. I would spend the next 4 years in radio before deciding to grow up and get a real job. Since I had never been officially expelled from college, I moved back to West Michigan to complete my bachelor’s degree.
Little did I know at the time, this would be my introduction to a new breed of Christians…the Bible Thumpers. The mega-church boom was beginning, and West Michigan seemed like the epicenter. At one point, I lived in the shadow of a 5,000 seat “tabernacle,” that needed police to direct the traffic every Wednesday and Sunday. It was like nothing I had ever seen. In addition, you would constantly encounter people saying they were “born-again” or “saved,” and while this may seem commonplace today, it was not at the time. I had no idea what they meant by “born-again,” but it was clear that I didn’t qualify.
To make things even more interesting, my first wife was the daughter of a Lutheran minister. Crazy right? However, despite being married to a preacher’s kid, we never went to church unless the in-laws were in town. During one of their visits, my father-in-law took his daughter to the local Lutheran church in hopes that we would start attending. A few days later, we got a call from someone wanting to come over and visit. My father-in-law knew the pastor and said they probably just wanted to stop by and welcome us to the church. So later that week, three people came by and we sat down for what seemed like a casual conversation, and then…
Out of nowhere, one of the ladies asks us, “If you got to the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked you why you should be let in, what would you say?” Here we go… I could see the preacher’s kid getting pissed. This was not a “welcome to the church” visit. I tried to smooth things over by giving them some sort of answer. So, I said, “Because I’m a good person. I don’t lie, cheat, steal, etc.” but to this, their leader replied, “No, that’s not the reason.” She said, “The reason you will get into heaven is because Jesus died on the cross for your sins.” Now, this may sound weird to some of you, but that was news to me. Not the part about Jesus dying on the cross, that’s basic Christianity, but the part about how I would automatically get into heaven. That was crazy. It had to be harder than that. I always thought God was up there keeping score. No one ever told me that I was already in. I remember thinking, “Well hallelujah! That’s awesome. Thanks for coming over. I’m going to live it up, and we’ll see you in heaven.” But, of course, I didn’t say that. Instead, we stood in a circle and held hands while they said a prayer. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but it must have worked because poof…we were saved.
The funny thing was I didn’t feel any different. After they left, I was glad they were gone, but otherwise, nothing much changed. My father-in-law was furious. He called the pastor to let him know about the rogue group in his church that was out there “saving” people. He was livid. As far as he was concerned, that was not the Lutheran way. After things quieted down and the whole incident blew over, we discovered that we were saved. Saved from having to go to church that is. For the remainder of our marriage, my father-in-law would never again try to connect us to a local church. As much as we hated the whole “born again” experience, it was a win. We could sleep in on Sunday.
